"Bisexuality is very misunderstood."

S.F.'s Interview

I guess I would classify as bisexual.  That would probably be the clearest definition.  I guess I’ve identified that way for the last year and a half. As far as how I got there, that’s a long story.  I knew for the longest time that I had interests in females, but I didn’t know how to develop that, and I didn’t really know where to start.  I met someone here who was gay, and we were interested in each other so that’s how that process started.  My best friend from home is gay, and she told me, but I didn’t tell her.  She was very upset with me for not saying anything to her.  She was so upset!  She was like, “I would have never known.”  I guess I’ve always felt that way sexually, but I found somebody else who I could develop that with.

I can honestly say that I was confused about it for a long time because I took it as ‘I like beautiful females’ type thing, but then my sister is gay, and she is older.  I think I first recognized it when I was 12-ish.  I was about to visit her in California, and she had a girlfriend.  I recognized her as her girlfriend, like ok they share the same bedroom, and then I kind of recognized it in myself. I get what’s going on.  I have that sort of same attraction for women.  Initially I was ok with it for myself, but I knew for my family it wouldn’t be an acceptable thing.  That was when I was about 10, and I’m 20 now so that was 10 years ago.  My sister just 4 years ago came out to my mother.  We both knew it was ok for ourselves but not with our families.

When I was around she was always open about it.  There wasn’t ever anything like, “ok I have a girlfriend, just so you know.” But she didn’t try to hide it expressly.  Whereas, when my mom was around I could see her pull back.  My grandfather is a Baptist minister so my mom was raised in the Baptist church, and we were too.  We knew from the get go that’s not ok with them, so we’ll keep it to ourselves.

I came out to my family after my first semester at Davidson.  Soon after I met my girlfriend I told my sister, who’s gay.   Just because that’s a natural thing to do.  I told her in confidence, but I have two other sisters, and we all talk.  So she told my sister, who told my sister type thing, and eventually I told my mom.  She was ok with it.  She was like, “I still love you.  You’re still my daughter. I just don’t agree with you being gay.”  She automatically assumed I was gay, and I eventually told her that I was bisexual, which she finds is worse than being gay, so I’m like Ok.  When I told my mom about my sexuality, she automatically associated that with sex.  She’s thinking, “Oh you’re not just having sex with women.  You’re having sex with both men and women.  That’s nasty, that’s just terrible.”  That’s where she’s getting that she thinks its worse.  Maybe she thinks that I’m dating two people.  I don’t know.  Bisexuality is very misunderstood.

I think in order to be comfortable with yourself you need to come out.  I don’t think that any gay, lesbian, bisexual people can not say anything to anybody and know at the same time.  I felt like I could talk about it with my sister. I think that coming out is important because it’s a part of you.  Most people are like ok status quo, heterosexual. There is no point in saying you’re heterosexual.  It’s just like being a woman or being black, it’s just part of me.  I can’t cover up the fact that I’m black unless I put a bag over my head.  It’s part of who you are, so I think it’s important.  You have to be comfortable with it enough to come out.

I don’t think it is necessarily telling every person you meet, like, “Hi my name is…and I’m bisexual.”  But if people ask it is being comfortable with who you are.  Or if you’re dating saying, “yes, this is my girlfriend.”  It’s about being comfortable doing that.  Depending on what that means to you, if you’re a woman and you’re like I’m gay and I like to wear guys clothing then do that.  It’s about being comfortable in your skin and with who you are. 

I talked with my mom about it.  We sat down and had a conversation about it.  I told two of my sisters about it, but I haven’t talked to my third sister at all.  I don’t feel like I can talk to her about it at all.  I guess you said what about her personality makes me hesitant to tell her.  She’s very critical, but she’s also just not comfortable with it.  My other sister who is gay doesn’t really talk to her about it.  My other sister who’s gay hasn’t told her yet, but she knows.  I think my older sister made me more hesitant to tell her as well.  I feel like her attitude would kind of be like, “Why are you doing something that? You know you aren’t supposed to do that, that’s terrible.”

The questions I’ve gotten hmm… I haven’t gotten that many questions but with a lot of people I’ve talked to for some reason they’ve thought that for me it’s just a phase.  I don’t know if that’s a hope of a lot of people, or if that’s really what they think.  My best friend from high school she was probably the one who believed me the most.  My mom and the sisters I’ve told think that this is a phase and that it’s temporary.  I know for myself that it’s not because it has been something that’s been on my mind for a while. I could see if I just came to college and started experimenting, which is probably what they think.  There’s not really anybody who’s never met anybody who’s gay or bisexual or anything like that. I haven’t met any people who haven’t met any gay or bisexual people who ask outlandish questions.

I think they associate being gay or bisexual with having a previous display of those activities.  My older sister, she always dresses like a tomboy, and she plays sports.  My mom was suspicious of her before because she always had female friends who were “closer than friends should be.” That’s how my mom put it.  I think there was stuff there before she came out that said maybe she’s gay; whereas, for myself I don’t fit the stereotype.  I think that’s why most of them are like I don’t think this is a long term thing. 

I think starting my senior year in high school I didn’t fit into any stereotypes, but I’ve started to fall into certain stereotypes.  The more I’ve been here I’ve noticed I am sort of falling into different stereotypes, and part of that is just that it’s school and I’m not really caring how I look.  Some of it I try to resist.  I don’t know if I’m trying to resist the stereotype or the assumptions that go.  Some people feel uncomfortable talking or saying things because they’re like, “Oh she’s gay.” I don’t want them to feel like they need to avoid certain comments because it doesn’t bother me.  We’ll be sitting around and someone will say, “Oh that’s so gay.” It doesn’t bother me.  It doesn’t affect me when people say that.  That’s just how people talk on a normal basis, and I could be like, “that’s so straight.”  I feel myself now avoiding stereotypes, for the simple fact that there are certain things that are associated with being gay or bisexual that make people more reserved.  I don’t want them to feel like that.  Unless you are talking about me specifically I won’t be offended.  I know people have there perceptions.  Unless you’re talking specifically about me I’m not going to be offended.  I may defend and say, “That’s not completely true”

I think that Davidson is a safe place for a male, but I think for a female it is a little different.  There are many men here who are obviously gay, and you see them walking around campus and that’s ok.  I don’t know if that stems back from this being a men’s school historically. It’s more uncomfortable being a gay woman here.  There have been times when I’ve walked around campus holding hands with a girl and people will look and be like you’re strange.  Feeling uncomfortable makes me feel unsafe, but not physically.  I can’t feel safe if I’m not comfortable. 

I think it will take a while for Davidson to be a comfortable environment. I think a way that Davidson could get to that point would be to introduce different not heterosexual things, like movies or curricular.  Things that will introduce that there are other people out there should be done.  It is helpful that in the freshman talks we say, “You may have left an environment at home where people are the same, but here you are in an environment where people are going to be different.” That cracks the barrier.  Simple things like that. 

There are two classes in particular that addressed issues of other sexualities but beyond that not really.  I also haven’t had that many classes.  I think that depends on the professor. I think it really depends on the curriculum and the professor.  You can watch a movie with homoerotic undertones and not address it at all.  I think it will get better, and that more professors will start doing that.  The two that stressed it were ethnic relations with Dr. Fairley and Gender and Society.

I think that where I go will slightly be influenced by my sexuality.  I’m already a city girl.  I think it will be influenced because I find myself looking at the sorts of people I’ll be surrounded by, and I feel like I’ll be more comfortable if I can be surrounded by people who have similar sexualities to my own.  It’s just a comfort thing.  I’ll have more fun.  Right now my main consideration for graduate school is in California.  That’s where I was introduced to sexuality.  I know I’ve visited and seen that sexuality is very open and acceptable.  I want to get my PhD in biochemistry. 

I don’t watch that much TV, but from what I’ve seen I don’t think there is a negative portrayal.  A lot of what I’ve seen is the gay and lesbian couples trying to get marriage licenses.  A lot of the stuff on TV shows is stereotypical, which is fine to a certain extent.  A lot of it is fed to us, instead of an actual reflection. 

I think that outside of identifying stereotypes there could be a gay dar, but I think most of what people pick up on are the stereotypes.  Like, “oh, there’s a man with tight pants on.  He must be gay.”  That’s different then trying to identify through mannerisms or what they say.  I think that heterosexual and homosexual people can have it, but I think that it’s probably more keen to people who are gay.  It’s not something I think I have.

In 20 years I’ll be 40 years old so I see myself living life.  I think I’ll be done doing research by then in the actual lab.  I’ll probably be working for some type of company.  Married in some capacity.  I don’t know if I really want to get married.  I know I don’t want to have children because I don’t see myself with children.  I personally don’t want to have children, but I’d love to have children.  I don’t want to give birth. I’ll put it that way.   I can definitely see myself with another woman, but it hasn’t escaped my mind that it could also be a man.  It’s sort of either, or.  I see myself settled down with either a man or a woman.

I’m always myself, and I love my friends because they know me, especially here.  This is the first group of people that I haven’t really known that I’ve come out to.  Expressing my sexuality, I’m free and open with what I say.  You know, whatever.  I can be with one of my friends and I’ll be like, “She’s really hot.”  They’ll just say, “Whatever, that’s just your opinion.”  I can just say that.  A lot of things I say or do are just who I am.  I can talk to my friends about other females.  I can talk to them about the relationship that I’m in.  It doesn’t affect them.  Even if we go out to parties, a lot of people are reserved when they see two females dancing together, but I know that I can go up to any of my female friends and do that.  They know that there is not harm in that.  I know at the same time that if they are uncomfortable with it, I will back up.  I can’t exactly pin point how I express my sexuality.  I’m not reserved in my expressions. 

I’d say personally, “Go ahead!”  If you’re at the point where you can come out, and you’re comfortable with it, go ahead and do it.  My only advice is to make sure that whoever you tell you know that they’re comfortable with that.  Make sure you’re comfortable with that person.  It is easier to tell somebody who is comfortable with it first.  You need to start out with a support system.  If you’re going to do anything you need to start with a sound foundation.  If you start out by telling someone who you know isn’t going to be comfortable with it, and they’re going to shoot you down and only have negative things to say, that’s not going to help you.  Just start where you’re comfortable.

My decision to come to Davidson did not have anything to do with my sexuality.  I didn’t know that much about Davidson when I applied.  I didn’t know that much about the environment when I decided to come here.  I don’t regret my decision to come here at all because the friends that I have and the friends that I’ve made.  I can be comfortable with them.  I think that it is probably as good a place as any to come out.  I was more reserved to come out to my friends from high school than I was to come out to the people here. 

It depends on who you find here and how you feel about it.  If you’re comfortable in and of yourself with your sexuality and you don’t feel like you really need support from other people then that’s fine.  Any place is obviously fine for you, but if you aren’t comfortable with it, but you are at a point where you feel you need to express it openly, then I don’t think you’re going to be able to do that at Davidson and have people be ok with it.  I don’t think people will say anything to you, but I think people may unknowingly or unintentionally treat you differently.  Not necessarily badly, just differently than they would have, had they not known.  I feel like if you’re really into open expression and you want to walk around and hold hands or kiss, then that is a little extreme for the Davidson community. 

I try to stay informed on political issues.  It seems that the easiest way to get your information is from the TV, but I don’t watch it that much.  I agree with gay marriage.  I don’t think they are any more likely to fail than a heterosexual marriage would.  I would like by the time I’m 40, if I decide to marry a woman, I want that to be an option for me.  I don’t want a contract. I want the same rights that a heterosexual couple would have in a marriage. 

I agree that Patterson court has that homoerotic interaction, but I’m saddened by the fact that people have to be drunk, and it has to be dark, and people have to be into their own selves.  It’s not so much that people notice it and don’t care, it’s more that people don’t notice it at all.  It is acceptable interaction only because people don’t notice it at all.  I sort of think that the court is like New York during the day.  In New York people don’t pay attention, and they don’t care.  People in New York act like that all the time, and they’re sober, and it’s during the day.  I think that Davidson students during productions, students always go with open minds, I think that if a production displayed homosexuality then people will approach that with an open mind. 

I think the students here are eager to learn, and that if the GSA gave students more opportunities to learn about sexuality they’d be more accepting of it.  If you’re given only two opportunities to be exposed to sexuality then that’s only two, but if you’re given more you might be able to attend 4 or 5 of them.  The first time sexuality is brought to you is as a freshman with the “Sexuality 101” course.  If it continues to be brought to you after that in little doses I think that helps you recognize that the world isn’t all the same!