Play With It

Double Duty's Interview

This interview contains explicit information

             I’m completely gay.  There was a transition.  In high school I was claiming I was bisexual because I think I was more or less trying to feel a little bit normal.  I think that saying bisexual kind of made me feel half and half, but over the years I still would experiment with guys.  With me I was experimenting with guys; whereas, other people were experimenting with women.  I wasn’t really emotionally in it. I was just trying to see if I would enjoy it, which I never really did.  So then I just stopped, and I was like you know what I’m just gay. I’m gay.  I like to say that I have bisexual tendencies but it’s more or less that I just like women, but if my only option happens to be a guy then I’ll flirt with him.  I’m only interested in emotional relationships and sexual relationships with women.  I really have no sexual interest in guys.  [I like guys for] flirting, hanging out, and friendships.  I would have to say that in between my freshman and sophomore year was when I was just like, “I’m gay.”  There were just no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  By the end of sophomore year that was when I was completely done with trying to make myself straight.  I just felt like this is pointless. I’m not into it.  My heart isn’t into it. I’ve never been emotionally attached to a guy.  That comes with just being able to accept myself, my homosexuality, and also getting to the point where I just didn’t care what everyone else said.  I wanted to be happy and staying out and gay made me happy.

 The first people I came out to were actually my two best friends, and that was when I was in 11^th grade. I came out to them before I was really ready to.  They speculated and asked me about it all the time.  One day we finally got to the point where we were playing truth or dare and they just asked me flat out, “Are you gay?”  And I was like, “yes.”  I wasn’t ready for it.  One of my friends was just like, “Ohh ok whatever. I figured you were gay.” Her response was like, “I already knew that because you’re a freak.”  I guess meaning that just because I’m a sexual person it would only make sense that I would have relations to girls in addition to guys, and my other friend kind of freaked out a little bit. Later on it was explained that the reason she was uncomfortable with it more or less was because she was questioning her sexuality.  So to have a close friend be gay made her be like, “Ohh no!”  So I came out to them and was really uncomfortable and was pushing myself away from them because they knew because I wasn’t ready, but I had already told them.

 My senior year I had my first girlfriend.  We were friends and you could tell that there was something there.  It was my first relationship, and I was completely happy.  I started telling my other high school friends, and I also came out to my mom that year, but the way it happened it was just really strange.  I was getting in trouble.  In my momma’s mind she says, “Whenever you start acting up that means your having sex.”  She kind of threw a question out to me that wasn’t really thinking that.  She was like, “Are you and Cara,” who was my girlfriend at the time, “are you and Cara together?”  I was like, “Yeah,” and then it went on from there.  I’m getting yelled at for something else, and I’m still focused on the fact that I just told my mom that I’m with a female.  That was strange, and for a while I was still saying I was bisexual.  But my mom didn’t believe in bisexuality. She was like, “You’re gay, or you’re straight. Why would you be bisexual?” We were having a little bit of problems there, and senior year you’re having problems with your parents anyway.  That just kind of added to it.  We did a lot of talking, and now we’re completely fine with it. 

My dad’s not really in the picture, but he knows.  And I pretty much told him out of spite.  I don’t talk to him anymore.  The point where our relationship ended was when I told him.  So my dad knows, my aunt knows.  The situation with my dad is, before I even came out he sent me a letter basically disowning me.  I called him and was like, “Everything you said in that letter, I feel the same way.  Forget you, and by the way I’m gay.”  We never talked about it because he had pretty much already disowned me.   I came out basically my senior year.  My mom knew, many of my friends knew.  Then later on some of my family knew. My grandmother doesn’t know on my mother’s side.  I don’t really know who knows on my father’s side, but I’m pretty sure people know.  My cousins know on my father’s and mother’s sides.  I believe my aunts and uncles know from my father’s side.  I definitely know that my aunts and uncles know on my mother’s side because I told them. I won’t tell my grandma because I really don’t know how she’ll respond to that. I’m not really interested in telling her.  I don’t have a large family so everyone who is close to me pretty much knows.  And they’re all fine.  I mean my mother’s brother doesn’t necessarily agree. I don’t know his views, but I do know that it bothers him that I won’t tell my grandma.  Everyone else is cool about it, no problems no one has been like, “I don’t want to deal with you anymore.”  They haven’t done anything.  They haven’t changed the way they act around me.  My mom’s completely fine with it, and she asks about the girls that I’m with.  She’s met my girlfriend.  They have called her on their own to say hi.  As a matter of fact, my mom is always trying to help me find the gay community wherever I am.  

The junior year ones were too soon, and the weird thing was I hadn’t been with anybody.  I hadn’t ever been with a girl.  Even though I had felt things towards females, I still hadn’t ever been with a female.  That was another thing like I haven’t even been with somebody, but I’m saying I’m gay.  Maybe, I just like girls.   I might actually get into a relationship or find a guy and find out that I don’t like girls.  I wasn’t actually comfortable, and I wasn’t ready for myself.  It was still a process.  Now I think it’s the best thing in the world.  I absolutely think straight people have something wrong with them.  They’re missing out.  I try to explain. I try to introduce them to the world of freedom, but they’re not going.

I did have a roommate. I didn’t tell her until later on.  The first person I told was actually one of my friend’s roommates. I told her first.  When I came to Davidson I told myself, “I’m not going to lie about it.  If anybody asks me a question I’m going to answer it honestly.”  If they say, “Do you have a boyfriend?” I’m going to say, “no.”  If they ask if I have a girlfriend I’m going to say yes.  So this girl asked me. She was the first person I came out to, and then after that I started telling my friends.  She saw me on the phone a lot.  You could tell I was talking to someone I care about.  She could tell I was talking to someone I was in love with. I guess she was smart enough that when I said I didn’t have a boyfriend she was like, “Well I know she was on the phone with someone she cares about because I always see her on the phone.”  It just came out smoothly.  “Boyfriend? Girlfriend?” She just said it right off. I was really amazed.  My roommate was really slow about it.  At some point she was like, “Who are you talking to?” She asked, “Is it a boyfriend?” I was like, “no.”  Her next question was basically “Is it a boyfriend?” But she was rephrasing it. “Is it a guy-friend?”  “Is it a guy that you just hook up with?”  It really took her a couple more seconds, and she was like, “Ohh it’s a girl?”  I was like “yes,” and that’s how I came out to her.  That had to be later in the first semester.  Me and her never really interacted very much.  We weren’t hanging out on a regular basis.  It didn’t really matter. After that one question it just ended.  Never any issues.  What was probably strange for her was there were times when me and my friend would sleep together, not have sex, we would be sleeping in the bed together, and it was another female.  I think that might have confused her quite a bit.  I’d leave the room and she’d still be in the bed.  My friend would be like you’re roommate was really confused.  She would basically just look at her strange, especially since I wasn’t in the room.  People on Base Belk knew, and I used to bring out my sex toys.  I had this one sex toy that I had never used but it was kind of fun to just get out.  It was a double-headed dildo.  I remember freshman year during exams I walked around the campus with it.  I got plenty of looks.  I made people hold it.  I was like, “I haven’t used it, just play with it.”  It was the funniest thing.  But that was my way of helping people relax.

I don’t know how safe it is for gay guys. I think it’s safe to be here on Davidson’s campus, but it’s not fun.  If your sexuality is a big part of you, I feel like you’re going to feel like Davidson doesn’t do anything to help with that.  My freshman year I felt really lonely because when I went to the GSA meetings I’d be the only black person.  When I would go to BSC I’d be the only gay person.  It’s kind of this triple minority thing that I have going on, and it’s really not helping me grow at all.  There is no room for growth here.  There are no people here to help you grow in terms of your identity.  As far as my identity that was still forming. I had no outlet, no place to go, nothing to do that would help me grow as far as my sexual identity goes and my identity as a whole actually. Even though I would never be verbally or physically attacked, I didn’t have a social atmosphere that challenged me.  Sexuality is more or less ignored.  That part of my identity is ignored.  That’s the thing with Davidson; if you’re gay that part of you isn’t going to be fulfilled here on this campus.  You’re going to have to go somewhere else.  No one has done anything to me that is hurtful, mean, offensive, or anything as a result of me being gay.  That never happens.  People are pretty much ok.

I mean one thing that we definitely need to do, is the curriculum has absolutely no classes that deal with sexuality.  Even the gender studies concentration doesn’t focus that much on sexuality.  It is basically like women’s studies, which is still ridiculous because there are gay women so we need to start talking about that.  The thing that’s really crazy is I’ve taken many classes that fit under gender studies concentration.  I’ve been in the class and asked the professor something dealing with gay and lesbians, and they would have absolutely no idea, no information.  They had no clue.  I feel like gender and sexuality are pretty connected.  I want classes added, but if they’re not going to do that they need to make sure that teachers, especially gender teachers need to get a portion of sexuality in there somehow.  Our diversity stuff deals with racial diversity and religious diversity, but we need to go ahead and get some sexual minority/diversity in there.  I know we have a lot of talks and stuff, but that’s optional.  Students don’t have to go to that.  It’s always the gay kids.  We already know about this stuff. We’re gay.  I really wish that this school would somehow get things on sexuality in the diversity.  You know how we have a diversity requirement.  I wish that they would also include a course in their on sexual minorities.  That’s diversity too, that should count.  I wish GSA could do more.  We need more gay faculty. I want a professor who’s openly gay.  I want people to have contact with people who are openly gay because that helps.  That reduces a lot of homophobic views. 

I don’t think people need to come out. I wouldn’t force somebody or strongly encourage somebody to come out for the greater good of the community.  I don’t think it’s fair to pressure people to come out.  I think the pressure should be on people who are forcing people not to come out.  When you’re in an environment where somebody has to encourage you to come out that’s probably a problem.  That means that you’re fearful for some reason and that needs to be dealt with before anything else.  I wish people could come out because I’d like to know who they are.  I’d like to have somebody to chit chat with and go to the club with.  I want to have random hookups.  I wish people would come out for selfish reasons like that, but I would never sit there and say everybody whose gay needs to come out because I don’t think that’s fair.  I think it’s more or less everybody that’s straight need to be comfortable with people being gay so it’s not an issue. It’s just a matter of you living your life and not having to worry about anybody criticizing you for doing that.  However, if a freshman coming into the school were to ask me if I came out do you think that would be a problem here I would let them know it hasn’t been a problem for me. If that’s something that you want to do go ahead and do it.  If people complain tell them to kiss your ass! Live your life because you have to live your life in spite of everyone else. 

I was most hesitant to tell my mom because she is my family.  If she didn’t accept it, and she disconnected herself from me…Wow.  If you don’t have any family you pretty much don’t have anything.  So that was my biggest fear losing my mom, losing my family.  I have an older brother and he knows too.  I don’t know if there was necessarily anything about my mom’s personality that made me scared to come out to her.  I could never really remember anything she had said that was derogatory to gays.  It was just more or less, “This is my mom, and the world says it’s a bad thing and what if my mom agrees with the world.”  I don’t have any evidence that would suggest that she is like the world but what if.  As far as my friends go, the people that I was scared to come out to were the people that were into religion.  Anybody who was a Christian I was not really rushing to tell.  I have one friend who reads the bible every night, and I remember going into her room and having talks.  I would say so what does it say in the bible about homosexuals, and she would actually go through the bible, look it up, and read it.  I would be like, “How do you feel about it?”  I would ask her all those questions.