A Senior's Perspective

Pink Panther's Interview

I think that coming out is a very personal issue, and everyone does it very differently.  There are definitely people who come out of the closet, and, by that, they mean out to everyone.  They like to broadcast it.  They project it up on screen and they say, “I AM GAY,” or, “I AM A LESBIAN.”  Then there are people who don’t consider themselves closeted but are just out to friends.  I think that just shows that it’s a very self-defined issue.  I think that it’s sad that in our society people have to come out because we assume people are heterosexual by default. If you’re heterosexual, you don’t have to come out. I think that everyone in America should have to come out.  Everyone should have to claim their sexuality because it an essential part of what makes you who you are and who you will become.  It should be everyone has to do it, or no one has to do it.  We shouldn’t make an assumption that everyone’s heterosexual unless they tell us otherwise, or you know everyone’s gay unless they tell you otherwise.  Assumptions just get us in trouble.

The most important thing, and I know this annoys some people, but when people use the phrase, “That’s so Gay.” I’m really sensitive to that.  People I knew used it in high school, and I was oblivious to it.  There were gay students in my high school, and I was just oblivious to what they faced.  When I got to college and I got to know a gay student, I became aware of how pervasive derogatory language is. It is very hurtful to other people because that’s equating gay with strange or weird or not normal. When other people say, “Ohh that’s gay.”  I always say what about that is homosexual.  I would say the most important thing that I try to do is edit that from both my speech and other people’s speech around me.  Also, when I’m talking to people, I try not to assume that someone’s partner is a man or a woman. Saying, “So who are you dating?” using very gender-neutral terms.  I would hate to force someone to come out, by saying, “Who’s the man you’re dating?” Then they’d have to say, “Actually, I’m dating a woman.”  Being aware that anyone in your life could be a different sexuality from yourself is important.

The first time I was aware of my sexuality was probably in middle school.  I saw this guy Mark, and he had gotten in his car and taken off his shirt. That was the first time I remember being thinking, “Ohh!  I want some of that!”  I remember that was the first time I was aware of any kind of sexuality within myself and that was in 7^th or 8^th grade.  I think before that I had had guy friends, and I never saw gender. I hung out with guys all the time, and I didn’t realize they were boys.  I mean I knew that anatomically they were different. 7^th grade was the first time that I thought, “Hey there is this thing called sexuality, and I have it.” In high school, I didn’t really date around a lot.  I always had really close guy friends and really close girl friends. 

Then I dated a guy named Ned.  I always feel like I never really questioned what I was.  In high school I never questioned the fact that I was attracted to men, so it wasn’t until college that I realized that I’m kind of attracted to women too.  I would probably categorize myself as a bisexual person, but I know that my initial attraction was to guys.  In college, I started exploring women as an option, and I started realizing that I am attracted to women.  One of my good friends freshman year was a lesbian.  She would say, “Ohh, that girl is hot.” I would think she was right. I had never allowed myself to really contemplate women as attractive. There wasn’t anything inhibiting me from saying those things earlier, but it was something I just “came to” on my own terms.

So my freshman year was when I first thought about the fact that I do find girls attractive.   Even at this point, I’m not really sure if I’ll ever be in a relationship with a woman, but I do recognize the fact that I’m not completely straight.  I know that I’m not a lesbian because I still really like guys.  I think that as I’ve grown in college, I’ve realized that you don’t necessarily have to pick your sexuality. It’s just who you are.  There’s a different recipe of sexuality for everyone.  Another bisexual woman won’t have the same idea of her sexuality as I do.  There are different types of orientation.  There’s your romantic, affectionate, and sexual orientation. 

The other thing that made me realize that I wasn’t exactly straight is that I have kissed girls, and I like it.  I’ve made out with girls, and it’s something that I like, but I don’t know if I could go further.  It wasn’t something that I was grossed out about or anything like that. I wouldn’t want to close myself off to love by just picking a gender.

I do know that I do want to have children, and the only way I know how to raise children is with a man.  If I’m with a woman then that will be a challenge I’ll have to face.  I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.  I don’t know how to rectify what I feel is my sexuality with my overall life goal of having children because it’s definitely harder for a lesbian couple or two bisexual women to have children because you will need sperm and that kind of sucks.  I feel like my sexuality has developed and it will continue to develop for the rest of my life.  It’s not something that needs to be done right now. 

I think that I came to it so gradually that I never had the, “Ahh, I think that I’m not straight moment.”  It was something that just developed so gradually that I didn’t even realize it, and I don’t think I had huge emotional or intellectual reactions to it.  Maybe intellectually I got much more interested in sexuality issues.  As I started realizing that I wasn’t completely straight I would read more books about homosexuality.  I would talk to anyone and everyone about sexuality in general.  I did a sexuality program with a health advisor.  Intellectually, I just started to explore stuff a little bit more.  Emotionally, I’m hesitant to go to a You-Are-Not-A-Stranger-Here meeting.  I’m also hesitant to tell people, “I’m bisexual.”  That’s hard for me to say.  To come out and say, “bisexual.”

 I don’t know if I could ever come out to my parents. It would be really hard to say, “Hey mom and dad, I’m dating someone and her name is Kelly.” At the same time, I know that it would be such an issue with them. If I never fall in love with a woman it can just be something that I know. I don’t need my parent’s approval to be attracted to women.  The only time that I would have to tell them is if I was in a relationship with a woman because that would mean that that person is very important in my life, and my parents need to accept that person. 

            I think I would never marry someone who was totally not accepting of that.  Any man I marry would have to be someone who would be open to talk to me about sexuality, and maybe even had questioned his own sexuality.  I think they would probably get the impression from me that I’m not completely straight.  It would be someone who was comfortable with those issues if it ever came up. I would have no problems telling that person.  I’m only going to be with people who are ok with that.  I can’t date people who are not because I am not heterosexual no matter what they would want me to be. If someone only likes heterosexuals then they’re not the person for me.  I think it’s an important thing to address in a long-term, serious relationship.  I would tell him or her, “Right now and for the foreseeable future, I’m going to be attracted to you, but I have been attracted to women and men in the past.”  If that person can’t get over that then that’s not the person I need to be with.  I like my men with a little bit of gay in them anyways. 

I think that Davidson now is a much better place to be out at than it was when I came.  My freshman year there was only one out gay man and one lesbian.  There were some other upper classman males who were gay.  The sheer number of people who are out now and the willingness of people to talk about sexuality has increased since I’ve gotten here.  I think that there are more classes that are exploring sexuality.  I really think that Davidson is becoming a more open campus because our alumni necessitate it. A lot of our alumni are gay, and they were not out at Davidson.  It seems like Davidson has noticed. The gay students would come out a year or two after leaving Davidson.  That means they were gay while they were on campus, but they didn’t feel comfortable coming out.  I think that the college is trying to make an effort to make it an environment where people can come out.  I think that it is a safe place. You can find people who will not care if you are gay or straight, but you can also find people who care if you’re gay. We haven’t completely eliminated that kind of element here.  If you’re an open out student, you will have people who challenge or won’t like you because you’re gay.  They won’t say it to your face, but it’s more of a passive aggressive type thing.  That’s not the majority of students.  The most important thing is to be true to yourself. 

I think that the students who come out on campus need to be prepared to deal with people who are close-minded and don’t approve of their lifestyle, but that’s not everyone here. The students who are coming in are increasingly more liberal, more ok, and more understanding.  They are not just tolerant any more.  People were tolerant for a long time.  I think in my four years the attitude has shifted to, “It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight. You’re my friend.”  I think that’s a good thing, and I think that will continue in the future as long as admissions considers that.  More and more students are coming out in high school now, and they shouldn’t have to go back in the closet when they come to Davidson. 

That might have contributed to the increased homosexuality awareness on the campus.  The administration was finally dealing with it.  We have faculty and staff that have had life partners that they’ve been with for ten years.  We need to recognize their relationships with benefits because it’s ludicrous to discriminate just because you’re not in a heterosexual union.  I know that Davidson does life insurance and stuff like that, and there are partner benefits at Davidson.  

I don’t know what more the administration could do. I feel like they’re as open as you can get with those issues.  They provide for the special needs of LGBT students.  They can get a single any time they want.  They just need to say I want a single.  I think that any change that’s going to come is going to come from the students.  I think that everyone should have to do a sexuality program their freshman year.  I feel like we should bombard them with sexuality first thing on campus.  I thought that the skits at the beginning of the year really set the tenor by saying, “These are things you’re going to deal with in college.  Get used to it.”  I feel like that’s where the administration could play more of a role, in your first year experience.  They should say, “This is sexuality everyone is discovering it whether you’re gay or straight.”  We talk so much about diversity, but we neglect sexual orientation diversity.

I really just think that opening it up as a topic will build community. Knowing that your hall counselors like to talk about sexuality will give you a very different experience then if you think you’re hall counselors don’t approve of gay people. I think creating a hall dynamic where any topic can be discussed is the best way.  Topics such as safe sex, sexuality, and eating disorders need to be talked about.  They’re the ones that are really instrumental in creating a community for the freshman year experience.  Even as an RA on an upper classman hall everyone on my hall knew that I loved to talk about safe sex.  I have bowls of condoms.  That gave people the idea that I was probably ok with talking about sex in general and about issues of sexuality.  People would talk to me about these things.  I think that that’s an important aspect on any hall to create community. 

I don’t think that stereotypes are all bad.  People create stereotypes so that they learn how to understand their world. I think as long as you’re aware that you are stereotyping then that’s half the battle.  If you are going to stereotype you should say, “Yes, this is a gross stereotype, but all gay men talk like this.”  That will also help you to be aware of your environment.  I feel like you form stereotypes, and then people break them.  That’s when you know you’re starting to get to know them as a person, when they start to break those stereotypes.  You may get to know a gay male, and he may fit into every flamboyant stereotype that you had, but then you learn that he also hikes.  Maybe that doesn’t jive with what you’ve stereotyped gay men as being like.  That’s when you know you’re starting to get to know people.  It is important to realize that your stereotypes are not always correct, but they do help you to organize the world around you.  I think it’s important to discuss stereotypes with other people.  Stereotypes are not bad.  They’re only bad when you want to place people within them all of the time.  For example, “Your hair isn’t spiked.  You can’t be a gay man.” That’s when you get into problems. That is the bad side of stereotypes.  I think they’re an important part of the human experience, but part of it is learning that people are not always going to fit into your stereotypes. 

I actually think that gay dar is based on a lot of stereotypes.  Gay dar is how you can be socially aware of gay people.  Saying, “Lesbians are really butch, and they don’t wear girly dresses” is a stereotype.  There’s an intuition that is based on reading body language.  I feel like you could have your typical heterosexual female, but your gay dar could blip.  You might think, “I don’t think she’s completely straight.”  It’s a combination of stereotypes that we make about gay people, and by gay I mean (LGBT).  It is initially based on physical characteristics, but I think there’s also intuition that goes into it.  When someone has good gay dar I think it’s because that person is aware of sexuality issues, and they are good at reading people.  When you are really attuned you look at how others behave.  It is also possible to connect with a person without that person really knowing it. I think that’s what true gay dar is.  I also think that within the gay community gay dar is an important thing.  It’s showing that you’re reading people. 

I think that in the main stream media gay men are always portrayed as much more fun than lesbian women.  Think of Will and Grace or Dawson’t Creek, people want that one fun character that adds the “gayness” to the show.  I don’t really like that.  I think a lot of shows may start out with that.  Even on Buffy the Vampire Slayer I get the impression that the creators thought, “This is kind of fun.  We have a gay character.”  I think the sign of a good show is when they don’t define a character by his or her sexuality.  I love Will and Grace, but a lot of times, Jack and Will are only defined as gay men.  They are essentialized to some stereotypes, which I don’t think is good. 

When you look at films I think there is a better portrayal of gay people.  I think we’re seeing movies now that are focusing on the humanity of everyone.  They are showing the human side to being gay.  There are stories that appeal to both gay and straight people because they’re about relationships, friendships, or family.  Sexuality happens to be a part of it. It’s not the central issue.  I think our media is moving away from this model of, “We have this movie about gay student’s, and he’s gay, gay, gay, gay.”  The whole movie is confined to the gayness of that student. Now there are other storylines, but the person happens to be gay.  It’s moving towards this model where being gay is just an aspect of who you are. 

I think that it is a reflection of how society has changed.  I feel that when you’re dealing with homosexuality the media is generally on the forefront.  They show people how it should be viewed.  I don’t want to give them more power than is due, but it’s traditionally a more liberal community.  There are a higher percentage of gay and lesbian people in Hollywood.  I think that what they’re doing is trying to teach America how they want to be viewed.  I think that in that sense the media is greatly influencing how society views homosexuality.  A lot of times that is the only experience people have with homosexuality. 

I think that it’s hard because there is contestation within the gay community. I don’t think they’re even sure how they want to be portrayed.  That’s the difficulty, but I think that the media is in a strong position to teach people.