Liking Guys Means I

Liking Guys Means I'm Gay

Kyan's Interview

I’m gay. Homosexual. Not bi, or hetero. I guess I realized in middle school. I guess I always knew there was something different. In 7^th grade I put a name to it. Let’s just say I knew. I just figured out that’s what it was. I don’t know how I figured it out. I just did. I thought, “Me liking guys means I’m gay. Gottcha.” I came out to my sisters the summer before freshman year in high school. By the time I went back to school after Christmas break freshman year everyone knew. I came out to my parents the summer before my senior year. We were in Europe, and I pretty much flat out said it, “Hey I think I’m gay.” One of my sisters had some issues with it for a while, but she finally reconciled herself to it. It had to do with the fact that I was young. She used to be much more socially conservative. She’d never been exposed to homosexuality, except for her hairdresser. It took her a little bit longer to come to grips with it. Finally, she realized it’s not a big deal. It’s just who I am. There are more important things. It was something she did on her own. This is something I realized especially after I told my parents: it was no longer my problem once I told my parents. They knew who I was and if they couldn’t deal with that that was their fault. It wasn’t something that I had to stress out about. I wasn’t responsibility to force them to see that it’s ok and not their fault. That was something they had to do on their own. One of my sisters is 23 and one is 26. It was the twenty-three-year-old who took longer. My sister who’s 26 is bi, or she’s a lesbian. She doesn’t really know.

Is your family conservative?

I live in a conservative area, and it was something she’d never been exposed to. It was the summer before she went to college. This is what my mom always said, “It’s fine when it doesn’t affect you, but when it’s your own child or it’s your own sibling it’s very different.” You’re forced to confront it face to face. My parents are religious. They’re Methodist, but they ascribe to a more liberal doctrine. I think my mom’s problem was that it made me different than everyone else. She was also concerned that it would make my life harder. I think those were her main concerns with it. On a more superficial level she was also worried that it might come out at the club and tarnish her reputation. There are two things she didn’t realize. It doesn’t really matter, and there’s nothing she can do about it. I am who I am. If she doesn’t agree with it I’m just going to go further away. My sister and her friends always thought I was gay when I was in elementary school. I don’t know how they knew. She was the first person I told. She was pretty much just like, “Yeah, me too.” It isn’t a big deal to her at all. She thinks it’s cool. The birthday presents she got me this year were ridiculous, and they were all gay. She got me condoms, gay magazines, and books by Kyan Douglas.

Roommate?

Well I think it’s pretty obvious that I am gay. I didn’t tell him on the phone. I think it was the Sunday night after orientation. We’d kind of settled down, and I was like, “Hey, just so you know, I like guys.” And he was like, “Yeah, whatever. That’s fine.” It’s not a problem at all. He has gay friends at home, and he doesn’t care. The guys on my hall don’t care. The guys in my fraternity don’t care at all. They don’t give a s*%&. The professors here are crazy liberal. My Spanish teacher’s a raging socialist. Social conservatism has a lot to do with a lack of exposure. That’s why everyone is liberal in college because they’re like, “Oh yeah, that doesn’t really affect me.” In Alabama I wouldn’t join a fraternity, but then again I wouldn’t go to Alabama. But then again, I am fairly stereotypical. I am very effeminate. I couldn’t talk if someone cut off my hands, but I’m not necessarily the norm. I love football. I love to play sports. I’m in a fraternity. I like beer. I’m not the exact mold.

Stereotypes?

I don’t think about them. I worked at Banana Republic. I have a subscription to Vogue. I love boating, and I love Paris. I like boys, but I also love football. The majority of my friends here are straight, and I like that. I like hanging out with straight guys and just having a good time, and being crude and obnoxious. I like to bathe everyday, and I do get my hair done and not cut. It’s just different. Friday, I got a Mohawk or Faux hawk, and my frat brothers were all joking about it. It’s not a big deal. I just think that no one cares. There are certain stereotypes that you happen to conform to, but it’s not a conscious decision. For me, it’s just part of who I am. There are some I would like to embrace. The whole gay men have a much higher standard of living, I would love to embrace that stereotype whole heartedly. I can’t wait. That would be great.

Davidson

Well I’m different in the fact that if someone uses the word “fag” it doesn’t really bother me depending on who it is. My roommate won’t use that word. I try to get him to all the time. He won’t, and I think it’s funny. I use it. Those words don’t necessarily bother me depending on the person they’re coming from. Also, the saying, “Oh that’s so gay,” I can distinguish if they don’t understand what they’re doing, or they do. If my friends say something’s gay I’m not going to get offended. I’ll say something to them. Like, “Actually, that’s really straight.” Then they’re like, “ohh sorry.” They know that I don’t really care. They don’t mean that in a derogatory way. The only fraternity that I wouldn’t feel comfortable joining would be KA. I’d feel comfortable joining Fidelt, SAE, PikA. I think that overall Davidson is fine. The only thing that could be done is to get a ton of gay people. I guess there’s just something about Davidson that doesn’t attract a lot of gay people. I didn’t want to go to a college where everyone is gay, and it’s all about drama. I think it’s a lack of exposure that causes any problems that Davidson might have.

People who are dealing with their sexuality and don’t want to openly admit it, they don’t like to hang around people who are openly gay because they think that might automatically out them. I think it takes people who are very comfortable in their sexuality to hang out with gay people, and to openly acknowledge being friends with them. That’s why I think a lot of people who are really homophobic are a little bit gay on the inside.

I absolutely think that Davidson is a very safe place to be out of the closet.

I was most apprehensive about telling my parents. Those are the only people that you actually need their acceptance. You need their blessing, if you will. If other people don’t like it you can just be like, “Go away.” I don’t have to deal with you. Whether you want to admit it or not, parents are people who you want to be a part of your life. You want them to approve of your lifestyle and be proud of you. Before I told my parents, I always just thought, “My dad is from rural Georgia. My mom is focused on appearances.” She was a southern debutant, and that’s what makes it really ironic. Everyone thought my mom wouldn’t care because you know her hairdresser is gay. She doesn’t care about other people being gay. Like I said she said it’s different when the gay person’s your son. When I came out to my dad he just turned to me and was like, “Duh.” My mom had a much harder time with it. My dad and I were going to work on telling my mom. My dad sees all this AIDS stuff. He works with a guy whose son came out to him, and the guy disowned his son. The son ended up dying of AIDS, and his father hadn’t spoken to his son in years. The father found out through someone else that his son had died. My dad gives me lots of lectures on safe sex, which is so awkward. I think for him the only reason he was concerned about me being gay was because of the Matthew Shepherd incident, and his concern with AIDS. My mom was more concerned that she wouldn’t have grandchildren as easily. Now she could care less. She, which creeps me out, she and her hairdresser, who’s like 200, well he’s like 50, he’s always joking around with my mom that he wants to be my sugar daddy so he can be a part of our family. My mom thinks it’s funny, I think it’s creepy. My dad doesn’t care. When I’m home I’m always picking out her outfits.

Everyone knew but them. In the media you always here one way or another. Coming out stories are either horror stories they make these lifetime movies out of, or it’s like whatever, like on Will and Grace. My mom said this, and it’s really true. When you’re child is born, most normal people aren’t like, “god, I hope they’re gay.” It’s going to make their life that much harder. Unless you lead my life, which has not been that much harder. In high school I never got flack for it. Here I never get flack for it. Maybe that’s because I’m comfortable with it. If you’re not then whatever f@*% off. I don’t want to deal with you, and you don’t have to deal with me. George Bush is voting us into the ground, but I think by and large most people don’t really care. I mean I have friends who are ignorant and republican, but they’re only republican because of a monetary issue. I think that’s true for most people here at Davidson. The only reason that people are right wing is because of monetary stuff. It’s not gay marriage for most people. It’s a taxes thing. That’s the reason my parents voted for Bush, but my sister there’s no excuse. She’s just ignorant. I told her she just voted that way because mommy and daddy did. I’m a die-hard democrat, I mean Hillary in ’08 baby! I love the Clintons s yes I am a democrat.

I’ve always actually gotten pretty good responses ranging anywhere from, “Duh” to, “Whatever.” I didn’t actually come out to my mom. My dad told my mom, and her reaction wasn’t great, but I’ve actually never gotten a bad reaction. I guess the worst reaction I’ve ever gotten was that whole confused look with, “Okay. Are you sure?” But I guess the best reaction is just like, “Alright, whatever, that’s cool!” People will always ask like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Does this bother you?” I’m like, “No, that’s fine. That’s good.” If you want to know that’s good. That’s what exposure is good for.

I think coming out depends on the situation. Someone you live with has a right to know. It’s not healthy to hide your life from your parents. My junior year in high school is proof of that. I also don’t think that you should wear it as a badge. My sexuality is part of who I am. It’s not who I am. You shouldn’t identify people by their orientation, by their religion, or by their race. If they want to tell you fine, but I’m not going to make it my job to be like, “Hi, I’m gay. My name is…” It’s, “Hi, my name is…” Then maybe if it comes up, “I’m gay.” I don’t think that it’s completely necessary, but I think honesty is necessary with yourself. Most importantly to yourself, but also with the people who are really involved in your life because hiding something that severe from people I really don’t think is healthy.

The questions I’ve gotten include: “How did you know” “Do your parents know?” “Are they ok with that?” “Did y’all switch off?” “Are you a top are you a bottom?” “How does that work?” “Who’s the woman in the relationship?” “Does it hurt?”

I get a lot of funny questions. Ranging from superficial stuff like, “Does my outfit look ok?” “Do you really like fashion?” “Are all gay men really queens?” “Do all lesbians wear Doc Martens?” Too much more sexual questions. I’ve even gotten sexual questions from guys, which is really funny. I’ve gotten questions from my fraternity brothers. I encourage that. I embrace that. I think its fine. How are you supposed to know if you don’t ask? I don’t give two s#&$s. I mean whatever. I’m not a very shy person.

When you’re a homosexual you’re forced to accept yourself and be comfortable with it because it’s different. If you’re not, what’s your life going to be like? If you’re not comfortable with yourself. If you’re not willing to accept your differences. You have to come to grips with that. I think that it makes us stronger. It’s a difference that you really have to come to grips with, and that this society as a whole is still coming to grips with. It’s still not something everyone’s comfortable with. We grew up with Will and Grace and Sex and the City. Gay people are all in the media. Do you know Margaret Cho? Oh god I love her. She says it’s so great now that we have Will and Grace and Queer As Folk, one of my favorite shows. There is that minimal exposure at least on TV. Back in the 60s and 70s there was nothing. It started with American Dream that dealt with AIDS. It’s a long time coming, but ever since the AIDS epidemic they realized, “Ohh d&$*. We have to deal with this. It’s not going to go away.” And then Matthew Sheppard thrust even more attention on it because it was just a horrible thing. After that there was Ellen, Melissa Etheridge, and queen Elton John. All those people started coming out of the woodwork. Now I guess people are a lot more comfortable with it.

I want to be a lawyer, although that’s almost stereotypical of gay men now. That’s all Will and Grace’s fault. I’ll probably want to go back to Atlanta when I graduate where there are not too many gay people, but there are gay people. I love Davidson, and I’m glad I chose Davidson, but sometimes I do wish that there were more gay people. There’s some sort of happy medium. I don’t want to go to a place where there are too many gay people like in New York. I used to want to live in NY, and then the cold weather, on top of the fact that it’s such a high-pressure gay scene made me change my mind. I don’t want to be part of that. That will factor somewhat into things. I certainly don’t want to live in Texas or Oklahoma or anywhere in that general region. I’d like Atlanta or New Orleans.

The biggest thing I had to overcome was accepting the fear that my parents really may not be happy. Those were the only two people who it was really hard to come out to. If anyone else didn’t like it just like, “You don’t have to be in my life.” My family members are people who I would like to be in my life. The biggest challenge was accepting the possibility of them saying, “We don’t agree with that. Sorry.” I think that was the biggest challenge, just accepting the possibility of rejection. But then again rejection is always there no matter who you are. Maybe that’s just part of growing up.

In 20 years I’ll be turning 49. Hopefully, I’ll be practicing law. I can’t decide if I really want to get married, and I’m not going to use that d*#& “life partner” phrase. I mean I f*#$ing hate that. If someone’s like, “This is my partner.” I’m like, “No, it’s your husband” or “It’s your wife.” You can do that. The state says you can’t, but actually you can, so just do it. Maybe I’ll have a husband, maybe not. If I don’t I’m not sure that it will stress me out just because my career will probably be what’s most important to me until I’m established. I would like to have children, with or without a husband I don’t really care. It’s not like I need one. That, I would really like. Preferably my own, but I’d be willing to adopt. Ideally a surrogate.

If I’m just meeting someone my policy is this: Unless I am having sex with you, it is none of your business. It’s none of your business. It’s my life, not yours, and you don’t have to live it. If it is important to the other person I’m going to be a little suspicious of why, unless they themselves are homosexual. In which case I’m sure they’ll be able to tell. I don’t think it’s anybody’s business. Especially, if I’m just meeting people for the first time. If someone asks me, I’m not going to lie. I think sometimes it’s kind of weird, It’s not too weird if you’re like, “So you’re gay right?” I mean every time I’ve ever come out to someone they’ve always been like duh, and I’m like d#$% it! You’re stealing my thunder.

I could just almost look at someone and say there’s just something about you that I see in myself. A minimal connection, on a very basic level, you can just pick up on, and I don’t really know how. I also think gay people just carry themselves much differently. You almost have to be gay to realize that. There are a lot of closet cases at Davidson.

Don’t flatter yourself by thinking that I want to get into your pants because you are not what I’m looking for, and I am not going to go barking up the wrong tree.