Oh yeah, I'm gay, and I love you

Penny's Interview

How has the practice of coming out influenced your life?

            I  don’t know a whole lot of people besides me who have come out.  It was very low maintenance for me. Nothing really happened.  When I was a freshman in high school I was thinking that I was just bi, but that later moved on to fully gay.  I was in the car with my dad and my friend Megan, and we were driving Megan home.  Megan and I were talking about things very fast, as 15 year old girls do, and I realized that I had mentioned something about liking women.  So I said, “By the way Dad I’m bi.” And he said, “Ok.”  And that was basically the extent of that.  My mom was later, when I was moving towards full lesbianism. She was worried about me limiting myself.  I think after a while she kind of figured out that it wasn’t just a phase.  Considering where she comes from, her parents are Baptists, she’s dealt with it really well.  Actually, she’s been pretty much beyond reproach this whole time. I have been really proud of her.  It hasn’t been that much of a deal for me. It has actually been really easy, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. 

Now and before you came out what were your feelings about it?

I don’t actually think about it much.  The one thing I kind of don’t like about coming out is that it’s always this drawn out story with angst.  I’m a writer and sometimes reading stories with a whole lot of cliché’s in them, I’m not saying that coming out stories are cliché, but it’s just an experience I didn’t really share in.  It is a little bizarre. I’m sort of an outsider in my own fringe group because my coming out was very peaceful and nothing really happened at all.  Of course, I haven’t come out to my mother’s extended family yet, so I might have a story in a couple of years.

How was your experience coming out to your friends in high school and your roommate here at Davidson?

My friends in high school, one of them was already a lesbian and was out.  My experience has mostly been that no one’s even blinked and it’s been a really good conversation topic, a really good icebreaker.  You know sometimes people kind of blink and then don’t really talk about.  Other times they blink and then make jokes about it, which is great because I usually start making jokes.

Where are you from?

Georgia.  For the south it’s interesting. There’s this really old really beautiful bed and breakfast downtown.  It’s this building that has been renovated, and it looks like it used to, like a hundred years ago. Then it has this huge pride flag out front.  I think that pretty much sums up Savannah for me.  It is a kind of mix of old style and progressive.

Roommate?

I walked in, and I was unpacking.  I had various bumper stickers, and I was like, “Ohh yeah, I’m gay by the way.”  She’s like, “ok.”

And it was never an issue?

No, she’s black at Davidson, and it’s kind of a mutual, “Hey we’re cool. There are problems with other people, but we’re fine.”

And your hall?

I’ve spoken about a few things at the hall sex talk and stuff like that.  I don’t talk to a lot of people on my hall, but they’ve generally just been open about it and a little curious.  I kind of wish people would ask me more about it. 

What kind of questions have you gotten?

Well mostly it’s just me volunteering information.  They have kind of asked what my family thought about, but that’s not a very interesting story as you already know. 

So what would better questions be?

I don’t know.  I wish people would ask what it feels like walking around.  I have this thing.  When there’s a couple making out or expressing other PDA, I really just want to go up to them and say, “Um, excuse me, could you not do that? I’m heterophobic.” I kind of am.  I was talking about it with some friends, and I saying that they can do that kind of thing (PDA),  it’s their right, but I don’t really want to see it.  My opinions about heterosexuality are almost exactly the same as other people’s views of homosexuality, which is a little bizarre. It’s interesting watching movies when there is a heterosexual, romantic subtext. When there are a man and woman on screen I don’t always pick up on the romantic implications.  In romance movies, when the two people getting together is the climax of the movie, it’s not enough for me.  It’s not a fulfillment of the whole plot, and I’m a writer, so I like everything to come out in the end.  I like all the ends to be, not necessarily tied up, but it’s just never fulfilling for me.

Stereotypes.

I’ve never been much bothered by stereotypes just because I’m not.  I kind of bust through them and ground them to pieces automatically.  At least when they’re applied to me.  I fool around with “oh, I’m so Butch” but then someone tickles me and I go “eeeee.”  Then that whole front falls apart.  I play around with stereotypes, but I forget about them very quickly.  Anyone who spends any time around me knows that it’s kind of constantly shifting, and that’s not really who I am.  If no one knows you’re gay then no one is going to ask you out, well, not of the right gender, so it’s a difficult conversation.  A difficult balance, which I kind of deal with by being very open about it.  I have a rainbow wristband. I don’t wear it as often now, but I used to.  So far, it hasn’t worked, but that’s because I don’t know a lot of people.  I think if I had a much wider circle of friends it might work.  One thing that has happened, being a very open lesbian, is that my heterosexual friends who want to explore kind of gravitate towards me. That kind of gets a little, not quite painful and not quite awkward but some kind of mixture of the two.  It never really goes that far because they are my friends and I have fun with it.  I never go into it thinking that this is going to be some great relationship.  As long as everyone knows where all the cards are and what’s going on, I think it is fine.  I’m getting to the point where I want a relationship with someone who is actually gay.  You can tell in bed whether or not someone is actually attracted to you, and that’s kind of a downer if they’re not.  It’s getting a little frustrating now, but in high school it worked fine. 

It was just who I was and I never really beat around the bush.  Also, I’m a writer. I’m a good writer.  I spend a lot of time on it, and that’s a source of inner strength for me.  Beyond being a lesbian, I’m a writer.  That makes everything else a little easier. Also I’ve had a lot of support from my family, and I know where I’m going.  I’ve never been worried to say who I am.

What advice would you give to someone who’s considering coming out?

I think the more you think about it the worse you think it’s going to be. You really can’t gage what people’s reactions are going to be.  I feel like your close friends should know at least.  It might be a good idea to tell them first because you’re closer to them, and they’re your own age.  I also think your parents should know. I don’t know.  It’s difficult.  I kind of feel like it’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal, but it is a big deal.  It’s so much of our lives.  Our sexual identity has to do with romance and finding a partner, so it can’t really be trivialized.  I guess I want to say go for it, but you do have to think about it first. 

How do you act around someone you just met who doesn’t know you’re gay?

If it fits into the conversation, I’ll tell them I’m a lesbian.  I can work a lot of stuff into a conversation.  A lot of times I’ll just say something, and it will be funny, but they’ll be confused because they don’t know I’m gay. So then I’ll go, “Oh yeah, so by the way I’m gay, like really gay.”  Then they can understand the joke because it is kind of only funny if you know I’m gay. But I mean, if they look like they’re really sheltered or uptight or something I don’t go out of my way to mention it, because there’s no reason to open all that up. I mean, my sexuality isn’t important to everything I do. But for some people, it’d over-shadow everything they know about me and I don’t want that.

I think my gay-dar is broken. I got to go get it fixed somewhere, but I haven’t found a shop that does that kind of repair.  I get really confused.  A lot of times because people are sending mixed signals.  Why isn’t everyone just out?  Why don’t we all wear signs? I’m so confused. 

Do you feel safe being out at Davidson?

Yeah, I really don’t think anyone’s going to want to beat me up here.  I think people are going to want to not talk about it.  There’s a fair amount of hypocrisy, but I usually don’t know those kind of people really well.  The people I gravitate towards are really open about that kind of thing.  They’re really level, and I can talk about it.  I have a rather small circle of friends, and they’re all open.  Like I said, it’s great for conversation starters.  It is always a source of entertainment.  I don’t think anyone is going to beat me up, mostly because a lot of people here are very reserved. 

Are there any downsides about being gay at Davidson?

Down sides would be there are no other gay people here. Well yes there are, there are.  Just to give you hope: there are! But there are not a whole lot of them, or they’re not out.  The dating pool is very small, which is a whole other set of problems, which straight people have to deal with, too.  I guess one of the up sides would be, what I said before, that no one really talks about it, so no one’s going to give me any verbal abuse at all.  I have a very small circle of friends.  I haven’t really met anyone who has like averted their eyes or anything like that, but I’m not really observant about that kind of thing. 

How do you think being gay will affect your career?

Like I’ve said I’m a writer, so what I want to be is a writer, and I’m actually kind of thinking that being gay will help with that.  Some of my characters will be gay or will be dealing with homosexual issues, which could be a great marketing tool.  I have to get there first though.  Other than that maybe I’ll get a temporary job at a publishing agency.  My sexuality doesn’t really come into play.  Naturally I don’t tell my bosses, “I’m gay, really gay.”  It’s a different environment. 

Where do you think you’ll go after you graduate?

I think I’ll go back to Savannah because Savannah has a pretty strong homosexual population, and my parents are there. That means there’s a bed and money.  Later on, I really don’t know.  Since coming to Davidson, I’ve really gotten a much greater appreciation of Savannah. I don’t know what other town I’d move to. I guess it depends on what other jobs I’m offered, but writing you can do anywhere. 

When did you first start thinking you weren’t straight?

I always knew, but I’d never put a name to it.  I always knew I was attracted to women, but I never said, “Hey, I’m attracted to women.”  I had such a huge crush on Penny from Inspector Gadget, and that was when I was eight, but I didn’t really equate that with anything.  She’s really cute.  I got a calculator watch once so that I could be like her.  I remember in middle school having a lot of vivid dreams that all centered around women.  I wasn’t interested in boys, but then again I wasn’t very popular.  That wasn’t much of an option.  In class the people my eyes would follow would be the girls, and I just never noticed or thought that was odd.  Then Titanic came out, and all the girls were talking about how hot Leo was, and I was kind of on the other side of a wall. I knew I didn’t like guys, and I knew I liked women, but I didn’t realize that meant I was gay. It just wasn’t something that mattered at the time.

            Then freshman year of high school I said I was bisexual, which I think happens a lot.  People use that as a transition, or they just stay bisexual, which is fine.  It’s actually funny because most of my questioning has come afterward. I was like, “Oh my god. What if I’m not gay? What if I’m bi?”  I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I do still appreciate the male form.  I just don’t want to lick it.  That’s where most of the questioning has come in, which is a little odd.  I guess if I knew the guy really well, and I liked him we could fool around.  I’m pretty open about sex.  I’m a really tactile person, so I like touching people.  It’s not a big deal for me.  I’m really attracted to women. I’m sorry. I just love Vaginas so much.

Have you had any problems being gay in your religion?

There was an incident.  Megan, my best friend in high school, and I slept together a couple of times.  I think she was questioning her sexuality.  The way she put it was, “I just love people so much, and I want to show that in various ways.”  That was fine.  I actually stopped it because I was getting a little uncomfortable.  It was completely fine.  We were friends, and we knew what was going on. It didn’t affect our relationship at all. It was funny because she was being the aggressor, and then she moved in with her aunt and uncle who were fundamentalists.  She blamed me for the whole thing, it was a sin, I was evil, yadda yadda yadda. I haven’t seen or spoken with her for a very long time.  It was a big whole thing that I don’t really want to get into, but I have not had very good experiences with religion at all. 

What was it like realizing you were gay?

I think it was more that a light bulb just went off in my brain.  It was like, “Ohh duh, now I know what to do.”  If I’m not attracted to men then trying to date them is just kind of fruitless, and I realized that I don’t like hanging around with boys because I’m not attracted to them.  A lot of things just kind of fell into place.  I’m not religious so that wasn’t a problem.  My family is pretty open and liberal so that wasn’t a problem.  Mostly, it was finding a word to put to it that changed everything. 

What would be your ideal coming out experience?

Imagine the most beautiful woman in the world. In my ideal coming out experience I would tell her, and she would say,  “Ohh yeah, I’m gay, and I love you.”  That’s everyone’s ideal, right? Speaking realistically a lot of the reactions I have gotten have been pretty good.  I guess just willingness to talk about it would be nice.

How do you feel about Davidson College?

I wish some of the students who come here, I wish they had just been exposed more because it’s not that they’re prejudiced or that they’re mean people.  It’s just that they never thought about it.  I wish that they were just more open, and that they knew better how to deal with this. A lot of them are surprised to find gay people here.  They don’t really know what to do.  It’s not that they’re mean; it’s just that they’re confused. 

How do you think Davidson is doing to encourage awareness?

I think they’re doing pretty well so far.  I mean we have sexuality talks.  We have people who come in to talk to the student body with lectures and stuff about homosexuality.  

What do you wish people knew about homosexuality?

I wish people knew it wasn’t a choice.  We didn’t just wake up and say, “Hey! I’m not fighting enough against society. I’m not making enough trouble.  Why don’t I be gay?” No! That’s not the thought process that happens.  It’s more primal.  That has been good for me because I’m very open, and I listen to my body.  I didn’t get blind-sided by it, but I also wish everyone would just be less repressed.  I guess I just want to encourage people to be honest with themselves, and not be afraid to at least think of these sort of things.  Just because you think about it and just because you question doesn’t mean that you’re going to end up gay.  I think everyone has some feelings or some fantasies at one point for the same gender, and you shouldn’t be afraid to confront that because otherwise it’s just going to muck around your self conscious and come around and bite you on the ass.  I just feel that if you deal with it it’s not going to be that big of a problem, and it’s not going to haunt you for the rest of your life.  You’ll ask yourself,  “Am I? Did I?” If you have a thought or imagine yourself kissing someone of the same gender just follow that thought, and see where it goes.  If you get scared or back off, that’s fine.  Try it again later. Don’t fight it. Explore the thought a little more. You might reach a point where you’d like to make out with someone of the same sex, but anything more than that isn’t turning you on.  Then you’ll know, and you won’t be freaked out.  If it does go further and you realize you’re completely flaming and you’re this gorgeous lesbian, call me. 

What would you say to someone who told you they were questioning their sexuality?

If someone called or emailed me who was questioning their sexuality, I’d set up a meeting.  We’d just go and have coffee to talk.  Well, I like hot chocolate. We’d go and have a drink of something, and then we’d just talk.  We wouldn’t have to talk about sexuality.  We could just meet casually a couple of times.  If you think that all the gay people on campus are dressed funny, well you notice the ones who are dressing funny, and then you happen to know that they’re gay.  There are plenty of other completely normal people who happen to be gay, and you just don’t know it.  We are all people you know. It’s kind of like the tip of the iceberg.  I mean, people really don’t think about it enough, the one-in-ten statistic. One in ten people is homosexual. Most of the residence halls on campus- on any campus- have more than ten people living on them. Think about that. If you’re even in a room with more than ten people, just think, “One of these people could be gay. Maybe I shouldn’t make mean jokes. Maybe I should learn more about it.” We’re a minority, but there’s more of us than you’d think. We’re everywhere.  Homosexuals are everywhere.  We come out of the woodwork. We hide underneath couches.  We sit next to you in class!