Castles In The Air Come Tumbling Down

Montez's Interview

I don’t really know how I would define myself.  I don’t think there is even really a definition at this point. I’m not sure that there ever is necessarily a clear line between being straight, bi, and gay.  I don’t see myself fitting into one category.  I got to this point by accepting certain feelings that I had, that I’ve come to recognize are probably not going to change and are enduring in some way. 

I knew it for a while in the back of my mind.  I first confronted it as being a possibility probably three years ago.  I was pretty upset.  I would say I certainly still am at times.  It can be kind of upsetting. Sometimes, I just don’t really think about it.  Sometimes, I think about it because I know it’s not good not to think about it.  I’m not sure I understand the benefit of thinking about it a lot.  It varies.  I think it affected the way that I interacted with other people more than it did the way I thought on my own.  I think I became more insecure about things, about myself.  I think in opening up myself and sharing that with other people certain relationships I was in were hurt . 

Absolutely, I had certain lifestyle expectations that made those things harder if not impossible.  Certain goals that I had in my mind or certain idealistic images of what adulthood would be didn’t fit with that category.  It just kind of threw a wrench in things in terms of parenthood and having a family, which were things that I expected to do.  The way that I’ve thought about it recently is that when you are 10 years old you have somewhat of an image of what you’re going to be like when you’re older, and I guess I disappointed myself in realizing that I probably am not going to fulfill that idealistic image of myself. 

I have come out to some people on campus.  I would say for the most part people’s reactions have been positive and that my own insecurities were what affected relationships, not the way that other people reacted. 

No, I haven’t come out to my parents.  It has been a non-issue at this point.  I haven’t brought it up.  It will be an issue when it is brought up.  It’s something that I’m avoiding at all costs.  I think my parents will react negatively.  I think my father would.  I say yeah, but they have probably questioned that too.  I think parents are usually pretty intuitive of what’s going on and know more than you think they do.  Mine are pretty savvy. 

I think in our society it [coming out] is necessary, but I wish that wasn’t the case.  I wish it wasn’t a production or a big deal.  I don’t think it is for everybody.  It’s sort of glamorized, in a way, as being this big event. It’s important for a lot of people to recognize these things.  I also think that it’s unfortunate that it has to be such a big issue for so many people. 

In twenty years I’d be 42.  I would hope that I would be in a serious relationship, probably with another guy.  I don’t know if kids are in the picture or out of the picture.  At one point I thought that would be good, but I don’t know if that will be part of what my life will be like.  I would hope that I still have good relationships with my family members.  That’s really important to me.  I’ll probably be living not in Davidson, North Carolina.  Basically, just like a normal lifestyle.  I don’t see this being a part of what defines me.  For a lot of people it’s a very important part of their lives.  It certainly is important, but I don’t think it needs to be outspoken.  I’ve thought about doing architecture.  I’m not so sure I want to do that.  I think being an artist would be really cool, but I know how difficult it is to have a decent lifestyle.  I’m not sure that I could realistically do that, maybe product design. 

I think that because they are my parents eventually they’ll accept it.  It’ll be a difficult process. I would put them on the top of the list for people I would be hesitant to tell.  One of my roommates is very Christian, and he’s a great friend and a really good person.  He’s very religious and he’s become more so in the last couple of years.  That would concern me a lot talking to him about it.  I don’t think that would have a positive effect on our relationship.  There is a possibility that it would be ok, and he would understand.  I think it would be really difficult for him.  I would be pretty hesitant to tell somebody, I don’t have a lot of friends who are really super religious though, so that’s a good thing.  I was going to tell him, but I don’t know if it is worth it anymore at this point.  We have mutual friends that know.  I have to understand myself a little better before I tell somebody like that, and my parents would need a better definition to clear things up.  I feel like they would be looking for something a little bit more definite as to what I’m thinking. 

I think telling one of my other roommates was probably my best response, and the reason is that he was the one that I was the most nervous about before that.  He is somebody that I am very close to, very good friends with, my best friend probably.  He’s from Alabama, and I didn’t really know what his reaction would be.  It was a positive reaction because it was something that he had actually questioned about me before.  It was very relieving that it wasn’t a big issue for him.  It didn’t make him look at me differently.  It didn’t make him think about me differently.  It hasn’t really affected our friendship, which is by far the best reaction. 

Questions would be: “Have you been involved with another guy?” “What have you done with another guy?”  “Do you think this is a definite thing?”  “How do you define yourself?” Normal questions that I think you’d expect from a lot of people.  I think it demonstrates that they are interested.

I think there are a couple of things that have been challenges.  I think one is keeping it in perspective and not making it a bigger production than I think is necessary, sort of staying true to my belief about that.  I think also in one particular instance it really affected the relationship I had with a girl who I was really good friends with freshman year.  Probably there was more than just friendship there, and when we discussed this issue, the relationship fell through.  It was somebody who I spent a lot of time with and I trusted a lot and depended upon a lot.  To no longer have that person be there as a friend was difficult for me. 

I’d really like not to go to a big city.  I lived in New York last summer and I realized that that’s not for me really, regardless of the issues.  I understand that there’s an ease that could be affected by where you live.  Overall, I recognize that the city environment is not the place for me. 

It’s not necessarily consciously trying to stay away from stereotypes.  It is more trying not to fall into a stereotype.  I think part of it is that I don’t want to be labeled.  Part of it is because I had a certain picture of what I would like my life to be like and that doesn’t necessarily fit into it. 

I don’t think that there is much of a community.  In terms of my relationships and interactions with people, I just think that I am light years behind my friends who are straight who have been in relationships and dealt with other people in an intimate way.  I haven’t had real experiences as much.  I’m just very behind.  I consider myself a pretty mature person, but in terms of relationships I don’t think that I’m mature.  I just don’t have the experience that I would have had elsewhere, where there was more of a community or it was a little bit more accepting. 

I’m not sure I would come here again.  I think maybe because I recognize the value of the education here.  I’ve really enjoyed my four years here.  I have great friends.  I have a great social life, well good social life not great.  I think that the educational aspects are the most important, and I’ve gotten a lot out of it.  In that sense I would come back, but in the sexuality sense I probably would have gone somewhere else. 

I think that the religious affiliation would steer people who are questioning their sexuality away from going to school here.  Therefore, the percentage of people who are questioning their sexuality or are out about it is much lower than it would be at another college of the same caliber of education and the same size.  The religious affiliation is very negative in terms of what it does for students here who are open about their sexuality.

I don’t think you should encourage people to come out.  I think they have to do that on their own. 

I think that the way that gay people are portrayed in the media is much better than the way that the gay community expresses itself.  Television shows are more realistic than parades and stuff you see on the news.  Publicity about it on the news typically supports stereotypes; whereas, I don’t think they necessarily really support stereotypes.  They are very realistic in some ways.  I just think that they can put gay characters into a typical setting or typical lifestyle without it looking like a huge deal.  On Will and Grace for one character it is a big deal and for the other you wouldn’t really notice it. 

I don’t actively try to stay informed.  If I see something on CNN.com on gay marriage I usually read it.  I think that there is no reason why people who want to commit themselves to each other shouldn’t be able to. Laws are created to protect people not to hurt people, so I don’t see that as being a necessary law.  I pretty much think the whole thing is ridiculous.  I wouldn’t get married to another guy right away.  I think right now it’s a huge statement.  It’s not just a natural thing.  I think if you did it you would be doing it to make a statement.  It might be different in 10 or 20 years. 

I don’t really think that there is that much difference between straight people and gay people.  I don’t think that there is necessarily something that one needs to know about the other.  That would probably be the only thing that a straight person should recognize: that there is not really much difference.  The only thing I could think of is that questioning your sexuality or being not straight doesn’t necessarily mean that you belong at pride parades and things like that.  There’s a possibility that it’s not a big thing, or defining.