Gay People Wanted. Flaunt Your Gayness.

Nemo's Interview

I define myself as a lesbian, but I’m keeping the option open for at some point of life maybe falling in love with a man, and spending the rest of my life with him, but I feel like the odds of that happening are kind of slim.  I think that it was kind of like a three stage process.  First, me thinking I was completely straight in high school, and then last year going through the whole thing of, “I’m gay, and I hate men.” Now, being like men aren’t that bad, you know whatever! It might happen, but I still know that I’m predominately attracted to women. 

My first reaction to thinking that I might not be heterosexual was fear.  It made me think, “No, that can’t be it. That can’t be it.”  I tried to explain away why what I was feeling wasn’t because I was I gay. I was just really good friends with this person, or “I can’t be gay, gay people are weird or have black hair, black nail polish, and the Goth thing going.”

My response was emotional, and then I tried to work my way out of the emotional with the intellectual.  I had this huge amount of fear, and then I tried to reason my way out of it so that I didn’t have to think about it.  I hadn’t really known anyone who was quote unquote normal who was gay, and I was like, “I’m a pretty normal person I couldn’t be gay.”  I didn’t have that much exposure to homosexuality.  I didn’t know anything other than being straight, and I felt that being homosexual was so completely different that I couldn’t be it because I wasn’t different.   Then I think it took exposing myself more to the culture and watching movies. Seeing it be normal, I was like, “Ohh, ok that explains that.” The kicker was If These Walls Could Talk II.  That was the night I came out to myself and to my sister.  It was playing at the GSA film festival and we’d been studying homosexuality in a bunch of my classes because I’ve taken some psych classes.  It was just on my mind.  We were just always discussing it, and then I went to see this movie and it seemed just like a normal acceptable thing, and for some reason it was just revolutionary.  I just accepted it.  In the discussions in my college classes it wasn’t a taboo word like it was in high school. 

I think we need a class on sexuality.  I feel like if you look for [queer undertones] in classes you can find it.  In one of my classes, every time there was an undertone in the book the professor would bring it up but then glanced right over it. And then we’d go on to something else.  We’d have class discussions, and then you can ask questions of the entire class.  I’d ask a question and be like, “What about this gay blah blah blah?”  No responses.  It was perfectly acceptable for me to make those statements but no one was going to respond.  I feel like professors try to cover themselves by having books and readings about it, but we never actually talk about it.  I feel like the professors need to be more comfortable talking about it, and I also feel like it has to become a less taboo topic on campus.  I mean I try to do every little gay oriented thing on campus, so in my opinion there’s a bunch of things, but in the world of most people there isn’t.  I mean the GSA is active, but we’re not out there being vocal.  I feel like it starts when word gets out there.  Having it become just a household word.  One of those things that people talk about that you don’t even think about.  Davidson doesn’t really acknowledge that these people are a part of contributing to the larger community.  Just be proud of it.

Coming out doesn’t mean that you wear a sign on yourself. It doesn’t mean that you scream out your sexuality form the rooftops. To me it means acknowledging it yourself, and coming out to the people you care about, and not caring if someone else finds out.  If someone’s going to assume I’m straight, I don’t care, but if they’re going to try to assume I’m gay, I won’t care.  I’m not going to try to hide it, but I’m not going to throw it out there because there are mean people out there who would just rather think of me as being straight.  Whatever, I can deal with that.  It still stinks that everyone assumes you’re straight because that’s not right.

I’d be myself.  I guess I only joke around like, “Ohh she’s hot,” with friends who know I’m out.  For instance, I’m not out to my team.  I’m only out to one person, and that was a recent venture.  It went really well.  She’s in the GSA. She was like, “Yeah, I kind of knew,” and I was like, “I kind of knew that you knew. I’m glad that now I know that you know that I know.”  When people on my team are like, “Ohh, that guys so hot,” I’m not like, “Yeah he is I would totally sleep with him.” I don’t say that, but on the other hand I don’t say, “Man, she’s really hot.”  But if they’re like, “Wow she’s really pretty then I’m like yeah she’s really pretty.” I’m not like, “I wish I could sleep with her.”  So it’s different. I joke about it a lot more with my friends now.  I feel like everyone needs to come out because if you just have the thoughts in your head you can always question it over and over and over again.  By telling other people it makes it more of a reality.  Then you can stop the inner turmoil, and you can just start living.  I don’t feel like it’s healthy for someone to know they’re gay, but not tell anyone, or not discuss it.  If you’re attracted to women, and you’re not doing anything about it, you’re just going to be lonely.

The only non-super positive responses I’ve gotten have been from my parents, which is really surprising.  They were kind of like we’re just going to forget about this. Everyone else has been super cool about it, and they don’t care.  If I need to talk to them about something that’s happening related to homosexuality they are perfectly willing to listen to me.  Most people don’t care at all.  It is just part of who I am.  My parents were the only people who were actually surprised by this information.  I was in an argument with my mom once.  I brought up that I had given her a book by Ellen Degeneras’s mom, and she never read it.  I borrowed it from someone, and I was late returning it because I was waiting for her to read it.  I brought it up and I was like you didn’t even read the book I gave you, and she was like I’m not ready to read it.   That was the last we’ve talked about it.

I was most afraid to come out to my parents because I was afraid that they would stop loving me, stop paying for my college tuition, and kick me out of the house.  Second, would be a roommate because I was afraid.  My roommate last year, it was just stupid, because she was totally cool with it, but I was afraid that she would think that I was going to sneak out of my bed in the middle of the night and molest her.  She was just like, “I don’t care.”  It wasn’t my roommate’s personality it was just the circumstances.  With my parents, I don’t know if it was their personalities because they’re pretty easy going people, but I don’t think they’ve been exposed to a lot.  They haven’t been exposed to a lot of this stuff.  I mean granted we don’t live far from DC, and there are a lot of gay men where my mom works. 

Questions people have asked me include: “How did I know?” “What was it like to date guys?” “What has it been like?” I get lots of questions like, “What’s it like to go to Davidson?” “Who else on campus is?” If it’s guys they always want to know who I think is hot.

I feel like Davidson is kind of cliquey, and you could easily be shunned if you didn’t already have your security network of people who would accept you. I feel like you could get shunned and be bypassed here.  I don’t think it’s a safe environment.  I was lucky enough to have friends who were like really accepting. I don’t think that everyone at this school wouldn’t be, but I’m just not willing to take that chance. 

I’m moving to the southern California.  I mean part of that is because it’s a warm climate and I can do research on coral reefs, but part of that is also that I want to immerse myself in the gay community, and I want to find someone.  I want to be part of the majority not part of the minority.

In twenty years I see myself with an extremely gorgeous woman, and being in a long term relationship.  I’ll be happy with my job.  Having my parents have accepted me.  Saving the ocean, one fish at a time.  I want cats, and I don’t really want kids.  I mean, I want to pass my genes to the next generation, because that’s just what you do.  The purpose of your life is to spread your genes.  But I really don’t like the idea of getting pregnant.  I also really don’t like the idea of bringing a child into the world, and because of you that child’s going have a rough childhood. Unless our world changes, and it’s ok to have two moms, I would feel bad bringing a child into those circumstances.  [Growing up] the only people I knew had a mom and a dad or just a mom or just a dad if their parents were divorced. I didn’t know anyone who had gay parents.  I don’t even know what that would be like.  Kids get picked on for so many different things, and I wouldn’t want to cause it. But I would like to have kids.

I definitely have my more dykish outfits that occasionally I like to wear just to be like, “I’m queer, I’m here,” but I feel like I do what is me.  I wear clothes that are me.  I don’t feel like I need to dress like a straight person, or I need to dress like a gay person or act like a gay person.  I just act like me, and I happened to be gay.  A lot of the things that I do or say happen to be dykish but it’s not with conscious intention.  If I were to go to a lesbian bar I think I would try to look like a dyke, and I would want to pick up chicks.  [To me looking dykish entails] a buzz haircut, baggy shorts, cool shoes, and a wife-beater top.  Definitely cool shoes and pants suits.  Pretty stereotypical stuff.  Trucker hats. 

I wish that they knew that we’re out there and we’re in their classes.  We play on their sports teams. We eat at their table in commons, and we’re like normal people.  We’re not an “issue.”  A lot of the time I think we think of homosexuality as the issue of homosexuality.  [For example, we’ll say] we need to make the atmosphere more conducive to homosexuals instead of being like, “I’ll just be this person’s friend.”  [The courts do this too.  When we say,] “homosexuals can’t marry,” we abstract these people into terms, and they just become these issues.  You don’t ever think of homosexuals as “the face of homosexuals” because it’s not possible to do.  They’re just normal people.  Also, it’s not a choice.  It’s just who you are.  The reason that it takes gay people so long to come out is because they’re living under this assumption that they’re supposed to like someone of the opposite sex.  It just takes them a long time to realize that all these assumptions that have been put on them and this way that they’ve been told they need to live their life isn’t really valid, and it takes a long time for someone to accept that. 

The most comfortable reaction that I got was from a person who is now my best friend.  I was like, “There’s something I need to tell you.” And then as I was trying to say it she said, “That your gay?”  I was like, “yes.” And she was like, “Yeah, I saw that one coming.” It was just so easy and so simple.  Then later that evening she sent me an email being like, “I’m so glad that you felt that you could confide in me something that’s so personal to you. If anyone ever gives you crap about it I’ll be there to kick their butt.”  It was awesome. 

I think my ideal would be like telling someone and then them being like, “Me too!” Then the music would key on bow-chick-wow-chic-aa.  Just kidding.

I try to keep informed of political issues, but it’s easier when I’m at home and not here.  I try to stay informed of it but it’s not the main focus of my life.  There’s so much other stuff I need to be doing like studying and playing sports.

Well I love The L Word. I think The L Word is good in some respects and bad in other respects. It’s good because it shows a wide spectrum of lesbians and sexuality in general.  They even have a lesbian identified man who’s this guy who identifies himself as a lesbian. His name is Lisa.  I feel like a lot of times you have to ask yourself the question: Who is this lesbian scene for?  Is it for the straight men in the audience or is it for the lesbian community?  A lot of times it’s for the straight men in the audience because guys really like it when two women get it on. It’s really good that we’re getting homosexuality out there, but if we’re using it just for the sexual enjoyment of men who are straight then you’re not really getting the point across.  It’s a lifestyle, and not a pornographic fantasy. 

I think that gay-dar does exist, but it’s not that gay people are inherently born with something.  It’s just like you get a vibe from somebody.  The same way that a guy or a girl can know that someone’s attracted to them.  Then if you immerse yourself enough in the culture you see what other lesbians look like. You read about mannerisms in books.  You just kind of pick up on stuff like nails that aren’t trimmed and perfect.  I don’t think there’s a checklist, but I think a lot of times it’s just a vibe that you get.  You kind of look for stuff because if you’re attracted to someone you want to know whether or not they’re gay.  You test them. You listen to see whether or not they talk about guys.  You’re kind of looking for it.  I do think gay-dar exists. 

Well for some reason girls in certain eating houses when they get drunk they like to make out with each other, so I don’t know if you would call that conducive to lesbians because I don’t think they really are lesbians I think they just like to make out with each other.  I feel like with most parties in general you’re supposed to be straight.  It’s hard because you’re like, “I don’t want to dance with that guy. I want to dance with that really attractive girl, but I can’t because I don’t know if she’s gay or not.”  I really think there’s nothing in the social scene that’s particularly conducive to being gay.  There’s nothing that says, “Gay people wanted.  Flaunt your gayness” There’s nothing that says gay people not wanted.  It’s just hard because at court parties you don’t want to dance with someone of the opposite sex. The GSA’s trying to do more outings and more fun stuff.