The Anti-Climax

Kris's Interview

My personal opinion is that people who don’t come out are using it as an excuse not to confront the issue; obviously there are some things going on.  Maybe their family, maybe their friends or their location, but I feel like it’s necessary to come out. It’s a little hypocritical because people don’t declare that they’re straight, but I feel like in today’s society it’s kind of necessary. I mean you can be subtle about it.  You don’t have to go around and say, “I’m gay. I’m gay, I’m gay,” but you don’t want to just hide it.

I think one example [of how to be subtle] would be if you’re talking to a friend and you’re just like, “I went on this really great date.  His name was Bill, and we had a really great time.”  That’s subtle I feel like an unsubtle, but not a bad way would be to say, “I’m gay. I like men. I went out with this great guy named Bill.”

From experience you experiment, and then you come out, but I don’t think it’s necessary.  At the same time, you can just know that you’re sexually attracted to the same sex.  Straight people know they’re straight before they do anything with a member of the opposite sex.

This might be kind of weird, but when I was growing up, I definitely experimented and fooled around way before I came out.  I really came out to myself the summer before ninth grade, and so I definitely knew by then for sure. For a while I was thinking maybe I’m bisexual, but you know what? I don’t think I am.

Have you seen the sex and the city episode where Cary dates the bisexual guy?  So they’re dating, and he’s a great guy, and I guess it’s the third or the fourth date and she goes, “So how many serious relationships have you been in?”  He’s going, “Well there was,” and I’m just making up names, I don’t remember the names.  “There was Krista, Sheri, and Bill.”  So I mean, I think that’s being very subtle about it, but she’s just kind of taken aback.   One line that was in the show was, “Bisexuality is just a stop on the way to gaytown.”  From personal experience I think it’s true.  In my opinion, bisexuality is almost a fall back.  “I’m bisexual oh no one supports me.  No one agrees with me.  It’s just a phase. I’m really straight.” So that’s how I kind of see it, but I know that some people really are bisexual.  I mean it’s not hard to believe.  I don’t think it's that hard to see people attracted to both sexes. 

No matter what type of relationship you’re in it comes down to who you’re attracted to.  I mean, just because you’re in a long-term relationship with a man doesn’t mean that you can’t be still attracted to women.  So that’s just how I feel.

I’m sorry it’s really anticlimactic.  It’s not that interesting.  It’s kind of funny though.  I realized it the summer before ninth grade.  I was kind of in a little relationship with a junior, who I met through band camp. We’re very sexually experimental at band camp.

I had known I had been attracted to men for a long time before that but I had never thought anything of it.  I never thought to myself, “I might be gay.” It just wasn’t something I thought about, but I definitely realized it.  So I told some close friends, and my mom is a teacher at my high school, and we have a GSA there.  One day after school I was like, “Ohh mom, can I get a ride home with you? I’m going to the GSA meeting.”  And she was like, “ohh ok.”  And then I would say probably in the fall sometime she asked, “So are you gay?”  I was like “yeah.”  She was like, “Ohh, ok.”  And then my step dad found a love note so that’s how I came out to him.  And then on the other side of my family there’s my dad and step-mom.  My stepmother’s brother got really drunk one night and started using really derogatory gay words like fag and queer. I said, “Please stop. I am gay, and I don’t appreciate that.”  And he was like, “oohhh ok.”  Of course he was drunk and he went and told my step mom.  My step mom was concerned so she went and told my dad.  This was all over a family holiday.

I didn’t know that he had told them until a couple of weeks later.  My dad had a brother growing up who actually committed suicide when he was 19 because he was gay.  He didn’t know what to do with himself, and this was in Richmond.  It just wasn’t socially acceptable back in the 60s.  Even though my dad was supportive, he was overly supportive because he didn’t want the same thing for me.  All four of my parents have been completely supportive of this. And with my friends: I told a few friends, and then word got around school, and that’s that.  But it’s been really easy for me I think.

Northern Virginia, which is certainly more liberal than the rest of Virginia and the south.  We had the GSA.  There were a lot of gay support groups in the area.  You know DC has a huge gay pride day.  They also have a youth pride day.  So there are just a lot of outlets.  I feel very fortunate that I have very accepting parents, but also, I came from a part of the country where it wasn’t as socially unacceptable as in like North Carolina.

I applied to a lot of really big schools.  I applied to Penn, Brown, Chicago, Stanford, Claremont, and Emory.  When I first looked at Davidson and I heard its reputation as a conservative, southern, religious institution of higher learning I definitely put it aside. 

But then I met a Davidson student through a friend.  Basically, I picked her brain. I asked her every concern I had.  Can you be gay at Davidson?  Is it really that conservative?  Is it really that religious? Will I hate it?  She answered those questions, and she also addressed everything else about Davidson that is wonderful like the classes, professors, and what a great place it is.  I definitely came here with reservations, but I came here more for the academics than the gay social scene. 

I mean I’m totally happy here.  I haven’t had an incidence of homophobia.  Yeah the gay scene is lacking, but you know it’s not bad either.  It could be worse. 

I told my roommate the first time I talked to him on the phone.  He was just like, “ohh ok.”  And I told him, “I wanted to tell you right off the bat because if you did have a problem with it I wanted to fix it before we got there.”  So he was appreciative of that, but it wasn’t an issue. 

I think it was a little bit of an adjustment at the beginning, but now… I mean a lot of people have stereotypes about gays, and not just about how they act. You know, “Oh is he going to hit on me, or is he going to try to take advantage of me in the middle of the night.  I think I’ve proven him wrong.  I think I’ve opened his eyes a little more.  I mean we’re living together next year, so it worked out.

Well stereotypes are a big issue for me just because I don’t want to exhibit them, but I know at the same time that I do.  It’s not a conscious thing.  It’s not like I do it on purpose to flaunt it because this is just who I am.  I don’t like being judged for that.  I feel like within the gay world, and this is just speaking from a man’s perspective, I have no idea how lesbians look at each other, but definitely in the gay world you will see a lot of people who will separate themselves from the femmes so to speak.  It’s really frustrating.  People can get really mean about it actually. 

In the gay world you have your femme, stereotypical gay people, and then you have these people who are very heterosexual acting.  They’re butch, and there’s definitely a divide there.

The butch people want nothing to do with the femme people.  The butch ones are very turned off by the femme ones like that’s just a think they don’t want.  It is almost like they think they’re better than the femme ones because they have been able to break away from the stereotype, but I don’t think that makes them better.  I don’t think they’re better people.  That’s just who they are.  That’s just their personality. 

Yeah they’re really annoying.  You’ll have a gay man go, “He’s such a fag or such a queer because of how he acts.”  I feel like we need some unity, you know? We need to not be so mean to each other.  We don’t all have to like each other, but if we want people to respect us I think we need to respect one another within the gay world.

I never try to make it an issue, but I feel like if I’m speaking with someone for a long time it eventually gets brought up.  They’ll say, “ohh you have a girlfriend?”

“No I’m gay.”  I really don’t try to signal.  I think it comes off fairly easily, but some people are really dense and can’t pick up on that. 

I think in general my parents.  I mean anyone will say they’re accepting of homosexuality, but you know deep down that no parent wants their child to be gay.  It might just be because they don’t want them to get harassed growing up.  It might also be because they want grandchildren.  Have you seen Bend It Like Beckham? When the mother comes to the wedding of Jeffrey’s sister she says, “You’re a lesbian.  I can’t believe you’re a lesbian. I’m so distraught.” The girl goes, “Mom, I’m not a lesbian.”  Yes, I wear train-oes and track pants, but I’m not a lesbian.” And then the mom’s like, “Its not like I have a problem with it.  I have a lot of lesbian friends.  It’s ok.”  I just feel like there is a lot of hypocrisy when it comes to that.  You never know how your parents will react, but mine were pretty cool, so I guess I got over the hurdle.

I think you have to look at each situation differently.  If we were living in the south and my parents were conservative Bible thumpers I don’t think I would have come out until after college.  Until I had released myself from their financial aid, but people just need to see what the situation is, and kind of hope for the best.

You were saying earlier that you like Davidson a lot but that it is lacking in the gay scene, what would you change?

I feel like that’s because it’s so small.  A lot of people come out after Davidson because they don’t feel like this is a safe environment for being gay.  That is not the case now at least.  I’m sure 5 or 10 years ago it was different.  How should we change things?  Well first of all in terms of accepted students and enrolled students I think that Davidson is doing everything right.  Like how the health advisors did the whole What if your roommates gay [skit in the freshman orientation].

I think that’s very good and also the PE 101 class about sexuality.  I think those are both two very good things that let the students know that they can be comfortable sharing.  There’s a lot about diversity and acceptance.  Any type of bigotry or homophobia won’t be accepted here.  That’s the impression I get.  I think that there needs to be a little more in terms of prospective out reach.  Maybe tour guides could bring it up, maybe when we have those big Davidson weekends like Discover Davidson and Decision Davidson it could be brought up there.  Just to let perspectives know that you can be gay at Davidson.  Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can’t come here. A lot of people told me I can’t believe you’re going to Davidson you should go to a big city school just because there it will be more accepted and there will more of a gay scene but I don’t think that has to be the case.  I think Davidson could do a little more in terms of just letting perspectives know that they are welcome here.  I remember when I was thinking about coming here.  The first thing I did was check the website, and the only thing there was the GSA page.  I remember when I looked at it. It hadn’t been updated.  And the only guy on the officer’s list was the president, and he never got back to me. 

You know how Davidson on the website and admission’s page has a list of “perfect students.” For example there will be a student who has a 3.5, is in every tough class, and every club.  I mean maybe there should be something like that for prospective students just you know if you have any questions about gay life at Davidson don’t hesitate to email XYZ.

The students who go to those You-Are-Not-A-Stranger-Here meetings are very comfortable with themselves and where they are.  They don’t feel the need to come out or announce it.  The people that they’re closest to know, but they don’t feel like it needs to be an issue.  This word drives me crazy, but they don’t want to be the “token” gay.  You definitely know who the “token” gays on campus are. And so others don’t want to be stigmatized.  They don’t want to be known only as The Gay Person.  That’s just their prerogative I guess.

            There’s a class I’m in right now on Feminism and there’s a lot on homosexuality, but mainly from the lesbian perspective.  This is just to show how open the professors here are and how cool they are.  Last semester, I went to a gay club the night before my French class, and my French professor goes around the room and asks, “What did you do last night?”  I could have covered it up and been like, “Oh, I studied” or, “Oh, I went out.”  Instead, I told the class that I went to a gay club, and that there were a lot of drag queens there.  The professor didn’t even look flustered.  He just told me the correct way to say drag queen. 

If there was ever a time in class when the gay perspective was necessary I wouldn’t hesitate to raise my hand and give my two cents. 

People have asked me: How did you know?  When did you know?  When did you come out?  Those are the three main one. 

Whenever you watch shows like Sex In The City they make it seem like it’s really common to get picked up on the street.  They make it look common for both straight and gay people, like this just happens all the time. I mean I just don’t see that as something that really happens.  Part of it is that you don’t want to approach someone unless you know for a fact that they’re gay.  If you try to pick up the wrong person you’re in trouble.  You know they could get really verbally and physically abusive.  You don’t want to risk that. 

I hear about the gay experimentation a lot from my openly gay friends.  There was one guy at the circle meeting who said he was in two serious relationships his freshman year with guys who were not out at all.  I’m always kind of curious about how this works because I’ve never had anyone come up to me and say, “I’m gay. Can I tell you that? Do you want to go back to my room?”  So I’m just curious what am I doing wrong. 

If someone comes out to you just try to be cool about it.  You might have your own personal views on it. Gay people who are the same sex as you will not try to take advantage of you.  I mean there are obviously a few exceptions, but for the most part no one will take advantage of you.  We are not bad people.  Please to not ask us sexual questions if you don’t want the answer!

I know people in older generations who have the stereotype that all gay men have AIDS or are HIV positive, which is not the case.  There is definitely a higher proportion than in the straight world.  I know my mom always thought that.  She would always say, “Don’t engage in unprotected sexual activity because gay men have AIDS.”  I guess that’s just one stereotype that needs to be done away with. 

What I do when I graduate will not be influenced by my sexuality at all. Where I move will be affected though. I think that has more to do with my overall beliefs and values.  I’m not moving to the deep south.  I’ll probably live in a large suburb of a city because people tend to be more open-minded.  I don’t think that my career choice will have anything to do with my sexual orientation.  I hope not.  I want to be an air traffic controller. 

One thing I wanted to talk about was gay culture in the media. I feel like Will and Grace is a good show because it presents different types of gays. You have your Will characters in the gay world and you have your Jack characters in the gay world. I know a lot of straight men and straight women really do like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, but for me I really feel like it perpetuates the stereotype, especially Carson.  He’s the really sassy, fashion one.  I feel like they’re all very cultured, very well groomed, and they have great fashion sense.  That’s what everyone is expecting to see.  They’re all on the femme side, the more flamboyant side. I just feel like it reaffirms everyone’s’ beliefs that gay men are fashionable, sexy, and bitchy.  They know how to cook good food, and they know how to decorate. I just feel like it’s not true at all.  It’s good that it introduces homosexuality into society, but at the same time, it really does perpetuate the stereotypes that we really want to get away from. 

            There’s definitely the “token” gays who fulfill the stereotypes, and that’s definitely of a clear indication that they are gay.  You also have to remember there’s this new trend in metrosexuality.  Then you have you’re really masculine guys who are gay. Gay-dar works to a point, but it definitely doesn’t always do the trick. You could almost justify anyone being gay. 

I feel like gay-dar is more wishful thinking.  You don’t have a lot of gay people, especially at Davidson.  You kind of hope that maybe there are more.  It’s not like you’re doing a bad thing.  You’re just trying to help them along the way.  I feel that it gets misconstrued and people think you’re trying to make someone gay who’s not, or that you’re outing someone who does not want to be gay. 

I feel like you should be able to be yourself on campus, but I guess there are certain things that people at Davidson aren’t ready to experience or see in terms of gay men being affectionate with one another.  I guess that’s just not something this campus is ready for.  I mean it’s unfortunate, but it seems like it’s the case.  I feel like if you’re gay and come to Davidson you have to know where to draw the line for your own safety, and it’s unfortunate that it has to be like that, but I feel like no matter where you went to college, even if you went to a big city school, you would still run into oppression, even though there’s a much larger gay population.  Davidson’s small gay population has two main factors. First, it is a conservative school in the south. It is a small school.  You have to buy into its size if you want to go to Davidson. 

I actually get a lot of praise sometimes. Very masculine guys from KA and Fidelt when they get drunk will say, “You’re so cool.  You’re my favorite gay person.” I know they’re drunk, but drunk words equal sober thoughts.  It’s not that I’m being harassed.  It’s actually that I’m being accepted openly by many people. 

I feel like I have a lot of trouble forming functional friendships because the people I’m able to relate to the most are women.  I do have guy friends, but for the most part my best friends have always been women.  However, women still look at me as a guy, even though I’m gay.  I definitely get pushed aside sometimes because girls always want girl time.  No guys allowed.  It’s frustrating sometimes because with girls I always come second in the friendship compared to their other female friends.  That’s kind of frustrating.  I’m not saying I can’t be friends with guys, but most guys just want to sit down and watch football all day.  They don’t want to have a deep conversation.   They don’t want to laugh and giggle about gossip or drama.  I feel like my good guy friends are gay as well.

 There’s one guy in particular who gets defensive when I talk to him. I knew he was gay, and he knew I was gay, but he just got very very defensive whenever I tried to talk to him.  I honestly don’t know why, but he just seemed very not ok with me talking to him.  It seemed like he thought I was coming on to him.  I mean who cares?  He just seemed very high and mighty.  There are a lot of people who are not out, but don’t want to associate with the “token” gays on campus because then you’re gay by association.  But you can hang out with as many straight guys as you want but everyone knows they’re straight.  You know with those You-Are-Not-A-Stranger-Here meetings there’s a lot of emphasis on confidentiality.  First of all, you’re really not supposed to talk about anything that goes on in the meetings, even if you’re not using names.  If there are people in the meeting you didn’t know beforehand, and you don’t know them that well, you’re not really supposed to talk to them outside of the meeting.  If you knew the person beforehand, you’re not supposed to talk to them about what happened in the meeting.  The purpose of the meeting is for the questioning people to feel reassured by the open people.  You don’t want to send them over the edge.  It’s just unfortunate because you meet these people and they’re really nice and maybe we could sit down and talk sometime, but you’re not supposed to do that, unless they approach you first.

It’s amazing how four years makes such a big difference in how open and accepting the campus is.  I mean I imagine that in the coming years it’s going to change even more.  Georgia was amazed to hear that in the freshman class, right off the bat, there were two open guys.  There wasn’t even a month period where we weren’t sure, right as we got here, “I’m out. I’m out.”  If the freshman class is a sign of what’s to come then we’re moving in the right direction.